Monday, June 6, 2011

MS's E3 Press Conference

So because my life is sad I'm watching this thing. About half an hour in...

Call of Duty: MW3 appears to be more of the dreadful same. Terrible shooting and being shuffled from set piece to set piece. And if you play online you'll need to level grind and can enjoy being called a "faggot" or "nigger" by fourteen year olds. Yeah, I'm not a CoD fan.

New Tombraider Is Lara 21 because Japanese people think any older and you hit menopause? Also, her breasts aren't ludicrously sized. Crystal Dynamics isn't even a Japanese developer. I'm confused. And the alternating tap the shoulder buttons quick time event from Resident Evil 4 are back...because those didn't suck 5 years ago. Also, she has Detective Vision now? Is there some reason they couldn't have made a new IP rather than reboot Tombraider for the upteenth time?

Mass Effect 3 Looks to be more Mass Effect which is OK by me. The Kinect shit looks retarded. It's faster to click a button on a thing you're already holding than it is to read a sentence.

New Xbox Dashboard so Kinect can now navigate the entire thing using voice controls? Neat, I guess. Also, people use Bing to search? You learn something new everyday.

Gears of War 3 I know Ice-T is a big videogame fan, but him playing part on stage is still slightly bizarre. I didn't care about the preceding Gears games and I don't care about this one.

Rome because flailing about like a retard for hours kicking and shit sounds fun.

Halo: Anniversary Baby's First FPS is getting an HD remake. I always thought those repeating copy/pasted alien ship rooms and obnoxious sticky grenades needed multisample antialiasing.

Forza evilpaul doesn't care about racing games.

Fable: The Journey Can we really plant a tree and watch it grow this time? So there's a kart racing segment that Kinect can control? OK. Controller's still probably better. And now it's a rail shooter controlled with Kinect? I thought it was a shitty action RPG? Which makes it double shitty because action RPGs are just shitty action games with RPG element shoehorned in.

Minecraft Still have never played it on PC.

Kinect Disneyland Adventures I've never been to Disneyland. I went to Disneyworld when I was five. There's two things about this demo I'm noticing. First, the children they have on stage, like all children, can't act for shit. The mini-games look like things Tetsuya Nomura thought too cotemptably fucking stupid for Kingdom Hearts.

Also, THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE IN DISNEYLAND. Is this set in the "classic 1950s" or something? Did they include "Colored" waterfountains? Hilariously racist? I'd say so.

Kinect StarWars A rail shooter and awkward motion-based combat? Pass.

I'm going to go out now as the additional Kinect shit is boring. Yay, finger tracking! Yay, avatars that live deep in the Uncanny Valley and have great stalking potential! It's like...yes, that's a thing you can do. OK. And? It's like a toy that will have the same longlasting appeal as playing with sticks and rocks.

Also, why is the douchebag on stage wearing gigantic fucking sunglasses indoors? Is it because you need to be fucking high to enjoy this shit?

Fuck! More Kinect Sports shit. I'm out.

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